


Marriage Is For Old And Wrinkly People Not Dashing Young Men

by imaweirdkid



Series: Careful When You Fall For Someone Cause You Might Break Your Neck [3]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Emotionally Repressed, Established Relationship, M/M, Marriage Proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25531423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaweirdkid/pseuds/imaweirdkid
Summary: Hijikata’s day (and life) gets derailed when he crashes into a wedding. It honestly doesn’t surprise him any more.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Series: Careful When You Fall For Someone Cause You Might Break Your Neck [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1878241
Comments: 17
Kudos: 150





	Marriage Is For Old And Wrinkly People Not Dashing Young Men

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to open this fic by saying that I have only just started watching the anime. I am loving it, obviously, but yeah, hope this doesn’t blatantly go against canon! Enjoy!
> 
> Unbeta'd because I am terrible...

The stupidity of it all is not lost on Hijikata. Really he should be getting his brain checked, because clearly all stupid decisions in his life can be traced back to split seconds of the useless organ just imprinting on something.

What he is trying to say is… it didn’t start as a big deal. The beginning is so utterly unremarkable that it is frankly insulting that it derails him so completely. One second he is chasing a bright pink alien bunny thingie that eats people’s tongues, the next he is staring at two dudes in Shinto wedding robes as if they are holding the answers to all of life’s questions.

It isn’t even that he ever seriously thought about this kind of thing. Not like he was daydreaming at home or doodling his and the bastard’s name in the margins of his reports. As a matter of fact the thought of marriage in regards to himself hadn’t entered his mind in… a while.

Yet here he is, staring mid-chase at two grooms, very clearly in the middle of tying the knot — thankfully not a euphemism — both of which staring at him in turn for what by now may be entire minutes of just nothing happening. At this point, this may well be a Dragon Ball Z episode. Oh, and there’s the pink bunny right between the two. He should probably catch that thing before this turns into a blood wedding.

Of course, Okita chooses this moment to materialise behind him and unsurprisingly ruin the wedding by blasting his bazooka at the pink bunny. (Though surely aiming at Hijikata.)

Hijikata manages to throw himself to one side and and yell “down” at the grooms, who remarkably manage to also throw themselves out of harm’s way before the explosion hits.

The moment of silence before the building starts to come down around them does nothing to soothe his suddenly agitated nerves.

Needless to say, they do not catch the bunny.

* * *

Despite the commotion, Hijikata finds that the wedding robes are burned onto the insides of his eyelids. So when he gets back to the Shinsengumi barracks, he is sweaty and annoyed, both at having failed to catch that atrocity of a tongue eater and at his own preoccupation with this… idea. He yells at everyone to patrol the streets and find the bunny before anyone else comes to harm and hopes that no one catches on to the fact that his mind is apparently too occupied with living happily ever after with Edo’s laziest Pre-Diabetic to do its actual job. Namely, bunny-hunting. Or at least Shinsengumi-leading. Either really. He isn’t picky. If only it would stop thinking about marriage.

“Hijikata-kun, when are you going to marry Danna?”, Okita says from his right and nearly gives Hijikata a heart attack in the process.

He really needs to get Sougo a bell.

“Oi, I thought I sent you off to find that rabbit? Do your work, instead of asking me these stupid meaningless questions.”

“Oh, I see,” the sadistic bastard says gleefully, “you’re scared he’s going to say no. Makes sense, you would probably do him a favour if you died, Hijikata-kun. Please do so now.”

“Wha—? I am not scared! What the— Go, find that thing or it’s seppuku time for you!”

“Fine, fine,” Okita says in a tone that suggests he will go and do anything but.

“Lazy bastard,” Hijikata mutters, as he watches the back of Okita’s leaving form. He pops a cigarette in his mouth and sits down on the wooden floor. His lighter is making some kind of stupid attempt to die, because it is just that kind of day. It finally produces a flame and Hijikata can close his eyes and smoke, hoping to find some peace at last but his mind of course has other ideas.

The Yorozuya in a Shinto wedding robe looks ridiculous even in his own head, so that’s that, discussion over, back to regular broadcasting.

Except he also kind of doesn’t, he guesses. Gintoki looks wrong in anything but his stupid Yukatas, and even in those he looks dumb. Hijikata shouldn’t let the idiot’s inability to look respectable influence major life decisions. Not that there are any major life decisions to make. Obviously he is not going to do something so massively stupid as to ask Yorozuya to… do that.

Thing is, right, it’s not like he has anything against marriage per se. It’s just that the whole asking thing would mean that he would have to let the world know that the stupid bastard is kind of it for Hijikata, including making the bastard himself privy to this fact. And he is sure, Yorozuya would laugh in his face, because honestly, Hijikata himself wants to laugh in his own face for the notion. It’s dumb. They don’t do all that stupid gushy stuff, that fuzzy feelings shit.

And it hardly matters anyway, because it is stupid, and Yorozuya and him are — he realises now— almost as good as married already. Everybody knows about them, Hijikata sleeps at Yorozuya’s more often than not and the bastard keeps asking him for money to lose to Pachinko machines. How much more married can they get? He is already the provider in this godawful relationship, no need to make him legally liable really. The ultimate pay check, that’s what Hijikata is. He should be glad Yorozuya hasn’t thought of marriage already! And anyway, it’s stupid. Hasn’t he said this already? It’s stupid.

And yet…

He puts another cigarette in his mouth. His lighter is being a little baby but after a few tries, it cooperates.

“I need a drink,” he mutters to himself, but because today is apparently rotten luck for Taurus day, Kondou-san, who must have been coming out to sit with him already, because how the fuck else could he have heard Hijikata’s own pathetic conversation with himself, cheerfully answers him.

“Ah, Toushi, so do I, so do I! C’mon then, let’s go drinking!”

Which… sounds like the worst idea in history. The last thing Hijikata needs is to spill his feelings all over cheap sake.

“Kondou-san, I shouldn’t today. China wants me to go to the park with her and that massive monster of dog later. I did promise. I should actually get going probably,” he says and makes to get up, hoping Kondou-san will let him go. But of course, a warm hand lands on his shoulder in a friendly gesture, pinning him to the ground.

“Toushi, it is too late now for that kind of thing. It’s already getting dark. You’ll go tomorrow.” It is just Hijikata’s luck that it is indeed getting dark. Kondou looks at him in a terrifyingly encouraging manner. “One drink won’t hurt. C’mon, drink and tell Kondou all your problems!”

He takes his hand off Hijikata’s shoulder and instead gives him a hand up. Ah, well, he’s not going to get out of this one, so he might as well. If he can just stick to professional topics, he should be fine.

“No problems here, Kondou-san. Except that damned rabbit,” he promises, as the two of them make their way out of the Shinsengumi Dojo. They’ve just turned the corner, when…

“Ah, Okita-kun says you’re thinking about marriage.”

“What?! That bastard…,” he grumbles, trying to think of a way to get Kondou off his tail and quickly coming up with a fat load of nothing. ”I am not. He is making things up as usual.”

“Marriage is a beautiful thing, Toushi.” Kondou says, as if not a word of Hijikata’s had reached his ears, “Someone who is always waiting for you to get home after a long day at work…”

“And then abuses your tired state to steal your wallet and buy himself and the kids parfaits and yakiniku,” Hijikata finishes, ”Already got that. It’s overrated.”

But Kondou is looking at him as if he sees right through his protests. He smiles a wide Kondou-smile and it makes Hijikata uneasy.

“Ah, we have to hold on to the precious things we’re given. That’s why I asked Otae for her hand.”

“Kondou-san, I don’t think Otae will ever marry you,” Hijikata feels important to mention this.

“She will make such a beautiful bride for me one day.”

“Did you even hear me?!”

“And our children will be beautiful.”

Right. Well at least they weren’t discussing a Yorozuya wedding anymore.

“Oi, oi, husbando!” a voice yells from down the road as if summoned by his very thoughts, and oh terrific, news had reached his idiot boyfriend. He was never going to live this down, “what sort of time do you call this, tax-thief?”

Gintoki is leaning against the wall outside a bar they both frequent quite often. He has a lollipop in his mouth, making him look even more like an idiot than usual. Hijikata hates the stupid fucker and the warm feeling he gets just from looking at him… Honestly, binding himself to the guy even more is an absolutely asinine idea.

“Unlike you useless waste of space some of us have work to do,” he says as Kondou and him draw closer.

“Who says I didn’t work today? I will have you know Gin-san is frantically looking for another pet of an idiot Amanto prince that we accidentally let loose when Sadaharu chased after a cicada and right through the walls of that thing’s cage.”

“Frantically, my ass. I bet, you just came from the Pachinko parlour.”

“Well, the thing could have been hiding in there, I had to make sure.”

“Sure, sure. What now, have to make sure it’s not in this bar?”

“Well, well, more than just a pretty face, aren’t you!” Gintoki says and looks at him with what Hijikata has since come to identify as his Flirting FaceTM.

Huh, if he heard about Hijikata’s run in with a Shinto wedding, he isn’t letting it on which… is unusual to say the least. Maybe today isn’t going to be a complete disaster.

“Yorozuya-san, we were just talking about you,” Kondou says in what must surely be an excellent attempt to ruin Hijikata’s life.

Gintoki expectedly raises an interested eyebrow.

“Were you? Well, did you talk about how handsome and capable Gin-san is?”

“We talked about what a stupid idiot you are.”

“Well, look who’s talking. Aren’t you supposed to be with Kagura in the park? Did you forget? The poor girl misses Mami Oogushi-kun, you know? You should really spend more time with her. She is going to grow up feeling neglected, becoming an alien headhunter with an enormous dog who scares all the other children. And it’s going to be all your fault.”

“She already was most of that, before I even met her! And I bet you put her to work on your runaway search and anyway, I was just on my way there, asshole!”

“Right, right, just going via the bar, are you? What will the poor girl say, when Mother has to tell her that Mami is an alcoholic who forgets about her?”

“Oi, why are we both mothers in this scenario, idiot?” Kondou’s Hand of BrotherhoodTM lands on his shoulder again. Second time today. Surely too much. Hijikata looks at him and there it is again, that smile. It makes him uneasy. Kondou-san knows exactly how deep in the shit Hijikata is.

“I will go in and order, Toushi, I see, you’re in good hands,” Kondou says and turns to Yorozuya, “Take care of him, Yorozuya-san, he’s had a rough day.” And he disappears into the bar. Hijikata can see Gintoki’s eyes following him through the entrance and then diving back to Hijikata, calculating.

Hijikata for one feels like this day has gone on for far too long already with way too many curveballs, almost as if someone specifically devised these exact circumstances, so that shippers everywhere could find entertainment in it. Fantastic. He pulls out his cigarettes and pops another one in his mouth.

“What’s this? Rough day?” Gintoki asks.

Hijikata finds his lighter, but the traitorous thing has decided that now is the right time to kick the bucket. Not even a spark. Great. He closes his eyes but all he sees is Yorozuya’s form in a wedding robe, so he opens them again quickly.

Flick.

To his left, Gintoki is holding out a lighter.

Hijikata looks at him and the corners of his mouth flick upwards. He walks closer, lights his cigarette and leans against the bar wall next to Gintoki, an arm’s length between them. Edo’s evening air is brisk. And despite the fact that it isn’t quite that late yet, no one seems to be on the street tonight except for them.

A fine pair they make. The idol of all the rebels of Edo and the Demon Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi. One with a crippling gambling addiction, the other with what is sure to be a black lung by now. Both with serious attitude problems. A disaster waiting to happen.

And yet…

“Oi, oi” he says, and takes another drag of his cigarette. It’s now or never. They’re carefully staring ahead in what can only be described as the world’s worst not-looking-at-each-other-contest, if there is such a thing, but he knows he has Gintoki’s full attention. He knows in the way that he knows Gintoki has his back. He may bitch and scream all day long about having to get off the couch to save Toushirou’s ass, but he will do it any day of the week, no matter what if Toushirou asked him to. Which he doesn’t. But still.

“Idiot,” Hijikata says and it’s stupid that he’s nervous about this, “Let’s get married.”

For a moment, there is utter silence. He can’t hear anything but his heartbeat pounding in his ears. Stupid, stupid really that he can hear his heartbeat in his ears. A fight or flight response for such a sissy little thing. He stares down criminals and death every day, but this, THIS makes his hands go sweaty. Absolutely pathetic.

He waits. He can hear all the possible answers running through Gin’s head, the taunting ones, the ones that laugh it off, the one that says, “oi, oi, Toushi, you want to lock Gin-san down before it’s too late, eh? Can’t fault you! Who else is going to put up with your ugly mug?” which would be fine and Toushirou could deal with that, that’s just the way Gintoki is. The way they both are. But what if it’s worse, what if it’s “Ah, The Sadist owes me 10.000 Yen, I bet him that two dudes in Shinto wedding robes would be enough to set you off! Hahahaha, what a stupid idea.” Which to be fair, this was.

What if it was “Pack your things, you stupid bastard. Thinking about you and growing old makes me so sick I can’t even stomach parfait right now. I am saving myself for Ketsuno Ana.”

Instead, Gintoki keeps looking ahead and after a few seconds in which Hijikata has managed to run through every possible catastrophic scenario, he just says,

“You gotta pay for the robes. I spent the last of my money on this lollipop. And because we let it loose we’re not getting paid for the bunny.”

Hijikata blinks.

“I—“

Several things can happen in a moment like this, but because Hijikata’s life has been dramatised in manga, anime, life action movie, and fan fiction form, it is of course in this moment that a shrill scream pierces the quiet evening night and a second later a bright pink bunny leaps out of the bar, a bloody tongue dangling out of its mouth like a Christmas ornament.

Not even 10 seconds later, Kondou-san runs after it, yelling “Toushi, quickly, it de-tongued one of the other customers! Quick, quick!” over his shoulder.

Both Hijikata and Gintoki blink and take off after Kondou and the rabbit.

As he runs down the street, he tries to comprehend what just happened. It almost seems as if Gintoki had actually agreed to marry him with no fuss whatsoever. ‘I gotta pay for the robes,’ he thinks and is astonished that they’re apparently both immediately picturing the same ceremony. But then—

“Wait a minute,” he yells at his stupid idiot of a fiancé who is running 3 ft ahead of him, “YOU let the bunny loose?!”

* * *

Later, much later… after they’ve unsuccessfully chased the rabbit through half of Edo… after Hijikata has given Gintoki the running lecture about responsibility in the work place… after Hijikata has passed out on Gintoki’s chest from running around all day, yelling at Gin, and then running around some more… After a very long day… Gin is lying on their futon staring at the ceiling, listening to Toushirou’s snores.

He thinks of this afternoon when he was chasing the rabbit, whilst trying to hide from Toushi and the Shinsengumi, so that they wouldn’t find out that he was responsible. He thinks of chasing the thing into a park, of seeing Toushi run after it, of himself hiding in a bush, peeking out and seeing Toushi stock-still in the door frame to a building, starring at what are clearly two guys in Shinto wedding robes getting hitched. He thinks of the several seconds, in which there is no movement at all. He thinks of Okita appearing right next to him in the bush, loading his bazooka, saying “Excuse me, Danna!” and stepping forward to attempt to explode Gintoki’s idiot boyfriend for the hundredth time. Gintoki’s idiot boyfriend who apparently secretly wants to bind his stupid self to Gintoki’s disaster life until death do them part, the sentimental fucker.

He thinks of that moment of absolute stillness, where the world zeroed in on two guys in Shinto wedding robes.

Hijikata lets out a particularly loud snore and mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like “no, not my tongue”.

Gintoki closes his eyes and smiles.

Behind his eyelids waits an image of Toushirou in a wedding robe.

  


  


The End

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
